Protected: Too much … or not enough…

Lately this has been weighing heavily on my mind. And I want to write it down here because I’d like to look back in a year and see how things have changed, if any.

To be completely honest, it’s probably a preoccupation with approval from others. Which I’ve always tried to get away from, and most days, don’t bother me. When my mind and heart are focused on God, I could care less about what other people think.

The need to justify oneself, I suppose, is one that makes me all-too-human, and all-too-frustrated with why I go back to these thoughts when I know full well He is all I should be worried about, not that “worry” is the right word.

I’m getting the feeling again of either being “too much” or “not enough”… too Catholic for my born-again friends (who are also Catholic, btw, which is almost funny), not Catholic enough for my Catholic homeschooling friends. Too Filipino for my American friends, and not Filipino enough for my Pinoy friends. Too knowledgeable for my non-foodie friends, and not knowledgeable enough for my foodie friends. It seems everywhere I turn there is no one niche where I feel completely home and “just right”…. except at home, with my family, and with God.

Sometimes it’s enough to make me want to hibernate and cocoon myself from the outside world. I’m not sure I can be salt for the earth when I have such feelings of inadequacy for the task. This being Moses again to myself and to anyone else who needs me to be Moses for them…. it’s easier to be Pharaoh sometimes, you know? But rather than God hardening my heart, it’s me who does so. And yes, these are the times when I know I should cling to God the most, but there are also moments when I try to do it “all by myself”, just like my independent little miss, and those are the moments when I utterly fail.

No, Lord, You didn’t say it was going to be easy. I just wish sometimes I didn’t have the free will to refuse Your help.