Two weeks ago, I beat my six-year-old at chess. At first I worried if I should let him win some of the time, but after talking it over with hubby and mom friends, decided not to go easy on him. That’s how we did it with the older kids, but I needed a refresher course on parenting.
We want to spare our children from pain but we cannot live in a bubble and be overprotective either. Our children have to learn how to lose gracefully. There are also lessons here for me, the parent: how do I build his character without crushing his spirit?
That same week, I came across this article , which led me to the microaggression site. [blink] I didn’t even know that was a thing. I guess that’s what happens when you’re a homeschooler isolated from the world: you end up being unaware of the million things you could/should get offended about.
I’m not trivializing people’s pain. But looking at that list and this other article on Buzzfeed (21 Racial Microaggressions You Hear On A Daily Basis) made me think back to when I was 18. My cousin and I were at a drugstore paying for our purchases, and the cashier asked to see the contents of my purse. She thought I was shoplifting. I cried afterwards and was bothered for a while: was it because I was Asian? Was it because I looked like I was 12 and/or didn’t have a job?
If that incident happened today, many would be advising me to file a lawsuit, or to take it to social media. And honestly I probably would be tempted to do that, since we have so many channels now to get our story heard and to get others to sympathize. In 1986, I simply had to get over it. Twenty-nine years later, I can look back and evaluate the situation from all angles: perhaps whatever prejudices that cashier had stemmed from her background or experience. I can live with that.
We encounter all kinds of negative stimuli, and we need the ability to react in a healthy manner. This sounds unsympathetic, but I’m not sure what to make of people who seem to be allergic to any type of emotional pain, and who tend to equate every little suffering with trauma. We shouldn’t tolerate bullying, but there has to be balance between taking offense and figuring out what’s intentional, what’s not, and what we need to demand an apology for, if at all. Each situation is different: context, people involved, age, personality — all come into play. Today there are too many imagined ills and manufactured human rights. Andrew Klavan puts things into perspective.
LIFE IS NOT FAIR: Is this still an acceptable message these days?
It’s ironic that the more global and the more “diversified” we get, the more racist we get, or the more we perceive racism directed at us. The longer the list of genders gets, the more sexual micro aggression complaints we hear about. Vive la différence is supposed to teach us how to be kinder and more understanding and accepting. Instead it’s turned into a ME fest. The more we demand fairness, the less we understand what it is.
Just really thinking aloud here, as I don’t have answers — mostly questions and a bunch of half-baked theories.
Maybe all this is tied to the breakdown of the family. Within the family we do not have to artificially set up situations where our child can experience pain, big and small; it’s part of life. When we magnify slights and daily disappointments, we fail to recognize real suffering when we see it. We train ourselves to withstand pain only on the surface. A child whining could mean he needs attention, but there are times when what the child really needs to hear is, “Get over it.” My personal microaggression complaint? As homeschoolers we get accused of sheltering our kids all the time, and yet we’re surrounded by whiners who weren’t homeschooled. Heh.
We try to teach our kids to apologize when they happen to offend someone, even if it wasn’t their intention to offend. We don’t need more lawsuits; we need more kindness. And while we model how to not take things lying down, we also model resignation, acceptance, and prayer, all of which develop our spiritual muscles. While babies need us to help them handle their emotions, eventually they learn to rely on themselves, and ultimately to rely on God. “I can do this” isn’t arrogance, and “I can do this, with God’s help” isn’t weakness. Teaching our kids how to carry their crosses well is a kindness too. The saints, after all, had to endure much.
Oh, my six-year-old beat me at chess a few days ago.
Now, if I could file a complaint somewhere about God putting mosquitoes and spiders on this earth and contributing to my paranoia, I’ll be good.
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