Tagged recovery

Defragmentation / Reintegration #18

Pondering all this, today.

Love and suffering: paradox of love by Alice von Hildebrand

Until it starts loving the human heart hibernates. This affective response (sanctioned by the will) is a response to the beauty of another person that has shaken our heart from its slumber. It is such a powerful “wake up call” that all of a sudden “all things are new.” He who has never loved has never truly lived.

This overwhelming experience is mysteriously linked to another one: the moment we love, we discover a facet of suffering totally unknown to us until then. For falling in love reveals to us in a flash the fragility of man’s metaphysical situation. We have been given the grace of perceiving the beauty of one of God’s creatures, – each one of them a pale reflection of His infinite beauty – and suddenly we realize that, hard as we try, we, “creatures of a day” (Plato, Laws, XI, 923) cannot protect the loved one. Human life is so fragile that – to quote Pascal – “Une vapeur, une goutte d’eau suffit pour le tuer” (A vapor, a drop of water suffices to kill him). We gain a dolorous awareness that being as weak as we are, we cannot guard the loved one, hard as we try. We realize that this precious being is infinitely fragile. This is inevitably a source of profound suffering. The loved being whose beauty has wounded our heart is frailty itself, and we realize that, ardently as we wish to, we are ourselves too weak and too helpless to shelter him in this threatening and treacherous world where dangers are constantly lurking.


Defragmentation / Reintegration #14

Yesterday’s Office of Readings sounded like it was meant specifically for these times we’re living in (but that’s to be expected, as God’s word is TIMELESS)

I repeat the directions I gave you when I was on my way to Macedonia: stay on in Ephesus in order to warn certain people there against teaching false doctrines and busying themselves with interminable myths and genealogies, which promote idle speculations rather than that training in faith which God requires.
What we are aiming at in this warning is the love that springs from a pure heart, a good conscience, and sincere faith. Some people have neglected these and instead have turned to meaningless talk, wanting to be teachers of the law but actually not understanding the words they are using, much less the matters they discuss with such assurance.

We know that the law is good, provided one uses it in the way law is supposed to be used—that is, with the understanding that it is aimed, not at good men but at the lawless and unruly, the irreligious and the sinful, the wicked and the godless, men who kill their fathers or mothers, murderers, fornicators, sexual perverts, kidnapers, liars, perjurers, and those who in other ways flout the sound teaching that pertains to the glorious gospel of God—blessed be he—with which I have been entrusted.

And then this, which sounded a lot like recent articles I’ve been reading:

A spiritual guide should be silent when discretion requires and speak when words are of service. Otherwise he may say what he should not or be silent when he should speak. Indiscreet speech may lead men into error and an imprudent silence may leave in error those who could have been taught. Pastors who lack foresight hesitate to say openly what is right because they fear losing the favor of men. As the voice of truth tells us, such leaders are not zealous pastors who protect their flocks, rather they are like mercenaries who flee by taking refuge in silence when the wolf appears.

Thinking on this: I want a loving heart more than sacrifice, knowledge of my ways more than holocausts.

A woman must learn in silence and be completely submissive. I do not permit a woman to act as teacher, or in any way to have authority over a man; she must be quiet.

For Adam was created first, Eve afterward; moreover, it was not Adam who was deceived but the woman. It was she who was led astray and fell into sin. She will be saved through childbearing, provided she continues in faith and love and holiness—her chastity being taken for granted.

– Timothy 2:1-15

Yet, O Lord, thou art our Father;
we are the clay, and thou art our potter;
we are all the work of thy hand. – Isaiah 64:8

Defragmentation / Reintegration #13

Learning to be a good disciple.


And have you forgotten the exhortation which addresses you as sons? “My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor lose courage when you are punished by him. For the Lord disciplines him whom he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives.” It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons; for what son is there whom his father does not discipline? If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. –
Hebrews 12:5-8


I want heaven.


Funny how….


Defragmentation / Reintegration #11

“Great and glorious God, my Lord Jesus Christ! I implore Thee to enlighten me and to disperse the darkness of my soul. Give me true faith, firm hope, and perfect charity. Grant me, O Lord, to know Thee so well that in all things I may act by Thy light and in accordance with Thy holy will. Amen.” [1]

– St. Francis of Assisi

Today’s Office of Readings feels like it was written just for me. Thank You, Lord.

I also want to thank a few readers who have e-mailed me with prayers and support. I OWE YOU, DEAR ONES, BIG TIME!! This morning, I was sent an answer to prayer — something I have been waiting for for a long, long time. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of me. My heart has been as light as a feather since then. Please keep praying, if I may be so bold as to ask for more. I happily offer mine for you and your intentions as well.

Defragmentation / Reintegration #6

Bad day today. All kinds of hurting bad. :'(

Show Me – Audrey Assad

You could plant me like a tree beside a river
You could tangle me in soil and let my roots run wild
And I would blossom like a flower in the desert
But for now just let me cry

You could raise me like a banner in the battle
Put victory like fire behind my shining eyes
And I would drift like falling snow over the embers
But for now just let me lie

Bind up these broken bones
Mercy bend and bring me back to life
But not before you show me how to die

Set me like a star before the morning
Like a sun that steals the darkness from a world asleep
And I’ll illuminate the path You’ve laid before me
But for now just let me be

Bind up these broken bones
Mercy bend and bring me back to life
But not before You show me how to die
No, not before You show me how to die

So let me go like a leaf upon the water
Let me brave the wild currents flowing to the sea
And I will disappear into a deeper beauty
But for now just stay with me
God, for now just stay with me

Defragmentation / Reintegration #5

He sits beside us in the lowest places of our lives, like water. Are we broken? He is broken with us. Are we rejected? Do people despise us not for our evil but for our good, or attempted good? He was “despised and rejected by men.” Do we weep? Is grief our familiar spirit, our horrifyingly familiar ghost? Do we ever say, “Oh, no, not again! I can’t take any more!”? He was “a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief.” Do people misunderstand us, turn away from us? They hid their faces from him as from an outcast, a leper. Is our love betrayed? Are our tenderest relationships broken? He too loved and was betrayed by the ones he loved.

Does he descend into all our hells? Yes. In the unforgettable line of Corrie ten Boom from the depths of a Nazi death camp, “No matter how deep our darkness, he is deeper still.”

We lose little bits of life daily — our health, our strength, our youth, our hopes, our dreams, our friends, our children, our lives — all these dribble away like water through our desperate, shaking fingers. Nothing we can do, not our best efforts, holds our live together. The only lives that don’t spring leaks are the ones that are already all watery. The only hearts that do not break are the ones that are busily constructing little hells of loveless control, cocoons of safe, respectable selfishness to insulate themselves from the tidal wave of tears that comes sooner or later.


He is the most forgotten soul in the world. He is the one we love to hate. He practices what he preaches: he turns his other cheek to our slaps. That is what love is, what love does, and what love receives.

And this is for my hubby, who sticks with me no matter what demons I’ve got inside my head. (Except the part about “and I’m just a man”, because obviously I’m not 😀 .)

Defragmentation / Re-Integration #4

“From suffering comes wisdom”

From Aeschylus:

Day by day
Bit by bit
Pain drips upon the heart
As against our will
And even in our own despite
Comes wisdom
From the awful grace of the gods.

Whatever the reason, for us as we are now, creation involves suffering, and the greatest creativity involves the greatest suffering. the greatest beauty comes from the greatest suffering. Tragedy is our highest literary form. Sad music is the most beautiful music.

Not everyone creates an external work of art, like a painting or a book, but everyone creates an internal work of art, a life, a real-life story. Everyone also creates a character, a person: themselves. God gives us only the raw material; by our choices we shape it into who we are…. And since everyone is an artist and artists must suffer, therefore everyone must suffer. Saints suffer most because they are the greatest artists of all.

But though ontologically we are very good, morally we are not. We are sinners. Our world is a battlefield strewn with broken treaties, broken families, broken promises, broken lives, and broken hearts. We are good stuff gone bad, a defaced masterpiece, a rebellious child. “We are not merely imperfect creatures who need to grow, we are rebels who need to lay down our arms” (CS Lewis).

Suffering fills the need to continually remind us of the most obvious and evident truth there is, yet the one we are the most constantly forgetting in practice: that we are not God.

Blessedness leads us indeed to luxury, pride, and disaster; in short we are all morally and spiritually insane, fractured to our very core. That core, that heart, is our relationship to God, as a characters’s essence is his relationship to his author, who alone holds the secret of his identity.

In fact, what we call the wrath of God is really the love of God as experienced by a fool. The wrath of God is the form the love of God takes when we fight it, just as darkness is the form light takes when we turn from it and run into our own shadow.

– Peter Kreeft, Making Sense Out of Suffering