I think I should follow my dd’s example and have a new category: Brain Dump, and password-protect everything, just so I’m not inflicting my no-direction posts on readers…. I often wonder why people come here since the comments box is usually empty. Not that I mind really, when I was blogging mostly food I had many more comments (and less visitors actually) but I had such a difficult time keeping up with conversations and trying to make everyone happy by always replying, etc. I actually like that (it seems) most of my visitors these days are moms like me who understand first-hand how difficult it is to maintain real life AND blog, without having to assume the added responsibility of entertaining people. That doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy answering people’s questions or offering my opinions, I am Google queen after all and some of my dearest friends have come to rely on my (hah!) expertise when trying to find answers.
But I also appreciate the quiet… the handful of people who comment but are becoming more like IRL friends, unlike others in the past who leave empty words that have no meaning at all…
I am also in a happy state, and quite peaceful at the moment. I wish I could put my finger on the ONE thing that makes it all come together for me these days, but I can’t. Call it a confluence of favorable factors if you must, but really my tendency is to attribute it to NOTHING but God’s awesome Grace. My life is just full-full-full of blessings right now. Sometimes I can’t see straight from the joy of it all. Don’t misunderstand. The first floor of our room right now is looking like a pigsty due to the still-unfinished decluttering, which now includes the basement, because we’re having a garage sale in a few days…. our calendar for the rest of May is as crazy as crazy can get… I have a dear loved one who is going through so much right now my heart is just breaking for him… we have parenting issues from time to time… hubby is as stressed and as busy as one has come to expect….
And I don’t know if it was Consecration last December….. or the trip to Lourdes…. or just the bunch of friends that pray for us…. okay, so I think it’s safe to say, it’s all of those…. and then again, of course, all of those are direct offshoots of… you guessed it, God’s Grace.
Because His Grace *is* enough. And knowing that He’s always there. Always looking out for me, my family, my needs… always knocking down those branches and twigs and overgrown weeds and thorny bushes that stand in my way, so that I can keep my focus on Him… only Him….
This past week I was sorting five boxes of STUFF that Dad brought up from the basement. In them are all these pictures, and letters, and mementoes…. saved up from years before and because of all the moving got relegated to indescript containers that hold no sign of the treasures in them. I had completely forgotten about some of these things… I’m so glad now I didn’t just one day throw them all in the dump in a fit of despair. Though I know we still have a long way to go towards getting rid of our material attachments, I am infinitely grateful I kept these things. You know what the most important finds were? Letters. That I wrote. To God. In the days of my youth, my uncertainty, my loneliness… those days 10, 15, 20, 25 years ago when I felt most down and alone and unloved. There weren’t a lot of those days, thinking back now, though I’m sure that in my young mind those days were hard to bear. But I had been writing to Him, as one friend to another, as a daughter to her Father, as a sister to a dear Brother, as a bride waiting for her Lover…
Often these days I think of how I have grown so much in my faith over the years…. but still I have this feeling of unsatisfaction, of unworthiness, of the overwhelming feeling that the journey is not complete. And no, it isn’t. But often I despair of not having enough faith in God, beating myself up for not trusting Him with every bit of my being. Often I ask Him why He hasn’t given me the grace to be more patient, more loving, more good. Often I am guilty of the sin of presumption. Often I ask why I’m not as holy as this or that person whom I admire. And having found these letters, I’m just amazed. Not at my own faithfulness, though that surprises me in a pleasant way. But at HIS FAITHFULNESS. Because almost every letter that contained a heartache, a concern, a problem…. all of them have been answered. Even the ones that sound most ungrateful or even angry. The ones that haven’t been answered (and really, I haven’t found a major one) stare back at me now and give me one thought: I’ve been faithful to you all these years… I’ve given you your heart’s desires, I’ve provided for you and cared for you and never let you down…. so you don’t have to doubt Me. Because in these letters You have proof that I keep My promises.
Our Lord is Ever Faithful. And though it gives me great shame to see how I’ve doubted Him off and on through my 40 years, I’m mostly just REALLY REALLY GRATEFUL. For all of THESE…. His Gifts. He is One Awesome God Indeed.